December 25, 2004

Spirit Drill

I am bursting with motherly pride. Like the old saw goes, the apple don't fall far from the tree; as such, seeing my sixteen year old son turn into a snarky motherfucker behind a keyboard just warms the cockles of my heart. He's on the school newspaper, and has a weekly humor column that cracks his momma each and every week. May I share?


Spirit Drill

Although Robert E. Lee High School Pep Rallies are some of the best I have ever attended, there are a number of flaws that could be easily corrected. The problem with our pep rallies is not that they are poorly planned or uninteresting. The football-pad-wearing, volleyball-throwing, skipping-your-toes-while-jumping-then-falling-on-the-floor competition was so riveting that by the end not only had I bitten off all of my fingernails and most of my fingertips, but I found myself sitting with my entire right hand jammed into my mouth, shaking uncontrollably, and covered with sweat… among other bodily fluids.

No, the Pep Rallies themselves are practically flawless. My compliments to whoever thinks them up, particularly the genius that devises the intricate relays and scavenger hunts between the grades. The problems with our Pep Rallies are of a logistical, locational, and technical nature.

First off, the gym is hot. Sweltering heat does not encourage getting pumped up and energetically participating in school cheers.

Secondly, it’s too crowded. When I am filled with school spirit and I am bursting with Wildcat Pride, I cannot sit motionlessly: I am overwhelmed by the urge to jump up and down and wave my arms back and forth in praise of the great Wildcat. Unfortunately if I were to do that in our crowded environment I would probably end up accidentally hitting some girl in the face or jumping on some guy’s crotch, and in a school where you can get in-school suspension for being late to class, this would probably result in a jail sentence.

Lastly, the sound system is extremely loud and distorted. I can’t verbally express my school pride to my classmates even by screaming at the top of my lungs, because Coach Trout is enthusiastically screaming the names of the wrestling team over some speakers that turn the coach’s quality voice into an unintelligible blur. No only that, but the amplifiers are so loud that they are likely causing irreparable damage to our developing ears. I am surprised that the school hasn’t done anything about this problem yet, because this could possibly result in some sort of lawsuit, and the driving force behind any school decision nowadays is the fear of getting sued.

Pep rallies aren’t the only flawed assembly here at Robert E. Lee High School though. Our fire drills also suffer from some easily corrected problems. The last time the fire alarm went off, I noticed the despondency with which the students responded to the possible emergency. Students would go to the restrooms, to the snack machines, to change their grade on their teacher’s computer, when they were supposed to be evacuating. Also, we don’t learn anything about fire safety, such as “stop, drop, and roll” and “don’t play with matches.” We need to review this stuff just like we review everything else in school, like reading. I learned how to read in Kindergarten, and they are still making me do it. If we spend all this time reviewing reading, I don’t see why we shouldn’t spend some time reviewing stopping, dropping, and rolling, which is a lot more useful if you are on fire. How would the school administrators feel if all the students who caught on fire thought thy were supposed to roll, stop, and drop? How would they feel when angry parents sued the school for not teaching their kids the correct order in which to roll, drop, and stop? They would feel fired is how they would feel.

Lastly, they are too short. Seems like as soon as we get out there we go back in. In real life, it takes much longer for a school to burn down. If we only go outside for ten minutes every time there is a fire drill, then students will probably only remain outside for ten minutes when there is a real fire, then walk back in and get burned to death, but who could blame them? They were improperly prepared by the high school for the fire, or so the parents will claim when they sue the school for not preventing their kids from catching on fire.

I’ve said that all these problems could not only be fixed, but they could be easily fixed, so pay careful attention, decision-making administrators that don’t want to be sued. My solution is completely cost-free…. no new sound systems need to be purchased, no new gyms need to be built, and no extra class time needs t be devoted to assemblies.
We need to combine fire drills and pep rallies.

We could have an hour long fire-rally that will be not too hot, not too crowded, not too loud, fun, educational, and realistically long. The problem of indifference would be solved by the students’ excitement over having a fire rally: they would jump up and run outside as fast as they can. Just like that old saying, “You can catch more flies with honey than with a truck full of immigrants…”

Whether or not this is actually true, the simple fact is this: it would be awesome.


Isn't he great?

Posted by Queenie at December 25, 2004 12:26 AM

YOU, have a merry Christmas!!!

Posted by: greg at December 25, 2004 12:30 AM

In a word, "Yes".

Posted by: Patton at December 25, 2004 01:14 AM

Brilliant work. You realize, of course, he will be fired soon for his brigandish nature, or some such. He ain't toeing the Line.

I'll back him, though. And I will hire the lad any day. Say the word.

My only query: do you think Costner passed himself off as a Brit in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves? And did Morgan Freeman pass himself off as a Moor? (Sorry. Two section question).

Posted by: Velociman at December 25, 2004 01:51 AM

The apple does not fall far from the tree, Grasshopper.

Posted by: Jim - PRS at December 25, 2004 04:46 AM

Oh that kid is great! Since I have about ten years on ya, let me tell you something girl, your in for the ride of your life!

I had two of the little apples, I still look back with a grin on my face at the antics they got into just by being themselves.

Smiling just thinking about it.

Posted by: BeeBee at December 25, 2004 10:46 AM

Dude. That kid is BRILLIANT. Of course you're bursting with pride. Hell, *I'M* proud of him!

Oh, and it it's lost on me that this kid could take care of you in your doddering years, too. One caveat? Smart-assed men get all the ladies. You might have to load up the shotgun. Heh.

Merry Merry!! And kiss that Smart Ass for me.

Posted by: Margi at December 25, 2004 05:18 PM

Just wait, Acidman will be acusing him of making that shit up, any minute now...

Posted by: Circa Bellum at December 25, 2004 09:18 PM

A extra bowl of Ice cream I say!!!!

Posted by: Sam at December 26, 2004 01:16 AM

Oh, I got into such trouble writing a piece like that in high school. Called to the office and called an embarasment to the entire school, because *gasp* The School Board got copies of the damned rag.

It was during my severe verbal dressing-down that I realized that the creases on the principal's forhead didn't go all the way across, and that the resultant smooth spot in the middle of his forehead was the shape of a football. The things you notice at a time like that. Oh, and he was a corner of the mouth spittle collector, too. So gross.

Posted by: Mamamontezz at December 26, 2004 01:37 AM

Very nicely done-it's nice to see a teenager actually using vocabulary with more than two syllables. And devilish humor to boot!

Posted by: Madame Butterfly at December 29, 2004 12:29 PM

"Flies...honey...truck full...immigrants..." I am so stealing that line. Brilliant.

Posted by: Bane at December 29, 2004 05:36 PM

He will someday be as whack as my daughter,
SRV, auther(ess) of the Caughtinthexfire blog.
Unlke her, he should finagle himself into a position to get paid for this good stuff!

Posted by: haveayen at January 4, 2005 03:10 PM
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