October 05, 2005

Ass Issues

Riddle me this, please - when did the average American female ass get so fucking huge? I can no longer find or purchase a pair of pants that doesn't come with a gratuitous bulge of fabric in the posterior, a bulge that has the nerve to insinuate that it is I who am missing something, rather than that the stupid trousers themselves are cut to fit the ass of Roseanne Barr. Sexy jeans that hug the curve of my hips and stretch tight across my belly and thighs bag open at the ass. Dressy grey flannel slacks that simply scream "class" from the front look, when seen from the rear view, like a fucking water buffalo recently vacated the premises. Even something simple, neutral - like a standard pair of khakis - comes with this "reservoir tip" shit that makes the butt-fabric balloon out forevermore once the wearer sits down a time or two. Infuriating.

Tailors, too, have a hard time with the ass issue. I mean, you can tote a jacket down to the cleaners, and have them take up the sleeves or narrow the waist for you, quite easily. You can take 'em a pair of pants to shorten, or ask them to tighten the waistband and the whole thing is done with very little fuss. But the ass? A seamstress can't cut the ass down for you without remaking the whole garment, which takes forever and costs a fucking fortune and usually ends up looking like shit in the process...because, if the seamstress was all that and a bag of chips as a designer, she wouldn't be a fucking dry-cleaners seamstress, now would she???

And look, you: I am a very average-sized woman with what used to be termed a medium build. As of this morning, I weigh exactly one hundred and forty-seven pounds, very little of it in bizarre places, as women's figures go. I wear a size ten everywhere but the titties, whose size are not germane to this discussion (although they will be, when I start bitching about button-down shirts). My ass is neither a bounteous cornucopia nor, as a friend of mine puts it, a card-swipe. It's just plain-jane, as asses go, 100% USDA approved corn-fed American beef, with no steroids or chemical additives. So why isn't there one fucking pair of pants out there that was designed to fit it?

Don't get me wrong; it isn't as though I am unsympathetic to the plight of the bigassed girl. I understand that, in years past, she had a hard time fitting that junk in her trunk into a comfortable pair of britches, and I'm happy that she now has an alternative. But what about me? And what about the skinnyassed bitches? What are the rest of us supposed to do with all that extra fabric in our butts? Just walk around looking baggy and stupid? Pitch a fucking tent, for God's sake? Rig a pappoose?

I have too much time on my hands, don't I?

Posted by Queenie at October 5, 2005 08:28 PM | TrackBack

Buy man-pants, as women have always done. Or shop where queers shop.

Posted by: Bane at October 5, 2005 09:40 PM

I like Big Butts, and I cannot lie...

Posted by: Bane at October 6, 2005 06:05 PM

Now, I don't believe I would have come up with that suggestion: "Shop where queers shop."

Would that be transvestite clothiers?

I love it!

However, I doubt they have those in Texas.

; )

Posted by: Christina at October 6, 2005 10:17 PM

Queers + Estrogen= guys with chick butts. And, supposedly, taste. I mean, look at who dresses Britney Spears.

Simple math.

Oh, and Tejas is FULL of steers 'n queers.

Posted by: Bane at October 7, 2005 01:20 AM

Steers and queers... I loved Full Metal Jacket too Bane...

Hell, I feel ya queenie... where's a white man sposed to get a pair of jeans that don't require a belt and a set of suspenders... I used to have an ass, but so much of it has been chewed that now, I almost need to have a hooked screwed into my tailbone to keep my britches up.


I think we could use some "denim saran wrap"...

Posted by: RedNeck at October 7, 2005 09:12 PM

147? That ain't bad for a 6'1" chick.

Posted by: rightisright at October 7, 2005 11:07 PM

Pants with a reservoir tip. Now, that's Pure Fucking Marketing Genius, that is.

Posted by: Elisson at October 7, 2005 11:31 PM

"Pants with a reservoir tip. Now, that's Pure Fucking Marketing Genius, that is."

Of course it's genius. When you, me, or anybody for that matter fills their britches full of shit after a night of eating, drinking and fucking the wrong things, you do NOT want pants that just make it splooge out to the four corners. No! Keep it contained without having it plastered to the overall ka ka cave area. You motherfuckers have NO sense of style! At all!

Posted by: James "link slut" Hooker at October 8, 2005 01:09 AM

Two words: Lawman Jeans.

Posted by: Pawpaw at October 8, 2005 09:51 AM

Wear silk underwear and nothing else. Can I drool now?

Posted by: Alnot at October 8, 2005 04:20 PM

Tell me about it. I went to Europe recently and the average woman there is so much better looking. Maybe I should move. I hate fat people.

Posted by: gas head at October 8, 2005 04:34 PM

Yeah, and never mind that those Euro-twats look like they've got a squirrel in a headlock under each arm.

Please, move.

Posted by: Bane at October 8, 2005 08:22 PM

And thank god you've got too much time on your hands, the blogosphere has been boring as hell without you.

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