October 12, 2005


I didn't go to work today. Mister MacFarland was scheduled to be anally violated by the colonoscopy doctor this morning, and needed me to chauffeur his drugged-up ass to and from the procedure. It went fairly well, all things considered - the biggest thing I consider is that it was his ass with a hose in it, not mine - but they did carve a polyp or two out of his colon, to be sent to the lab for biopsy. Nothing earth-shaking, I am told; his doctor (not nearly as cute as mine, thank God) informed me that 99.7% of the polyps they remove and analyze are benign, and that I really shouldn't worry. So I won't, unless the labs come back funky.

One thing that took me rather aback: after the procedure was complete, and before the nurses led me to my begowned and sleeping husband, the doctor came in to tell me of his findings. As soon as he'd shaken my hand, I found myself looking down at ten full-color glossies of the inside of my spouse's colon. Friends, that was a sight I could have gone my whole life without seeing. I'm not squeamish about blood and guts and innards, normally, but something about seeing Mister MacFarland's twisty bowels laid out before me, glistering with mucous, just put me off my feed. It's three o'clock, and I still don't have an appetite for breakfast. Yuck.

Mister MacFarland has threatened harm against my person if I post those pictures. I am non-committal, and am saving them for the next time he commits a particularly egregious marital offense. I'm just sayin'.

Related: have you ever noticed how incredibly funny people are when they emerge from twilight sleep? Mister MacFarland was a laugh-riot, mumbling something about working with hydras in his high-school biology class, followed by five minutes of incoherent babblings about Regency dresses and Jane Austen. Even the nurses were laughing. There he was, knocked-out, half-lit on a cocktail of Demerol and Valium...and he's still a fucking egghead. You can take the boy out of the Ivy League, but you'll never take the Ivy League out of the boy, even under heavy sedatives. God knows I've tried. Sigh.

I love him, but sometimes I wish I'd married a fucking caveman instead.

Posted by Queenie at October 12, 2005 03:12 PM | TrackBack

Regency? Is he British? In OUR country we call the dresses Ahm-Peer...

Posted by: Circa Bellum at October 12, 2005 04:08 PM

Awww. How cuuuute.

But yeah. Regency dresses?

Sounds like Ivy League will be minding his P's and Q's, though -- lest his glistening colon show up on the intarwebnetAOL. Heh.

Posted by: Margi at October 12, 2005 05:00 PM

Makes my ass pucker just to read this post, tell him, good luck, Cat

Posted by: Catfish at October 12, 2005 06:13 PM

I think I speak for the entire internet when I say 'Thank You'.

Thank you for not posting those photos.

I must be a cave man...what's a Regency Dress? I just hope Princess Di died in one.

Ooga booga.

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