Ice Princess

It is not unusual, in the south, to experience sudden and dramatic climactic changes virtually overnight. For example, last night, it was fifteen degrees fahrenheit at my house, where two or three days ago the low temperature in this neck of Lower Alabama was something like forty. Our fickle winter weather is something that we accept, as southerners, and many of us - probably most of us - are damn glad of it and thanking our lucky stars that we don't have to use a snowshovel to park the car during the winter. We have the technology, so we prepare for what's coming, with shorts or with Gore-Tex, as appropriate. All that being said, I want to know why it is so difficult for the owners of commercial property around here to man their fucking sprinkler systems, and turn the goddamn things off when the mercury drops?

Jesus. It's fifteen bloody degrees outside, and it's not like we didn't know the "arctic mass" was coming...the local meteorologists have been collectively orgasming over this for days - down here this cold snap rates as severe weather. It's the fucking "Top Story!" on the local news. Why in the living hell, then, can't Cousins Properties or Highwoods Anderson or CB Commercial or Southpace or who the fuck ever send some minimum wage Bubba out to cut the god-damn sprinklers off?? It makes absolutely no fucking sense at all.

As you might have guessed, Queenie ran into a veritable iceberg this morning, an iceberg that the traffic guy on the radio (pissed me off) referred to as, euphemistically, ice patches. Ice patches, my saggy white ass. You've got three gigantic office parks, one right after the other like doorsteps, all hysterically spurting water all over their precious "greenspaces" all night long, terrified that one freaking blade of grass might turn brown...and do the math, bozos! The ground freezes, the water runs off the landscaping and onto the streets, and boom, fucking iceberg. People die!

I'm a very non-litigious individual, but large commercial property owners should be pinned-to-the-fucking-mat liable for damages in accidents resulting from water-overflow onto frozen public thoroughfares. Ding 'em for wasting water, too, while you're at it - after all, the news media never stops hammering away at the "thirty-year drought" we're supposedly experiencing down here. These bastards should be made to pay through the corporate nose for such blatant negligence. Their shit, on my street? Oh, hell no.

I know, I know. Bitch, bitch, bitch. It's what I do best.