December 24, 2004

Cultural Illiteracy

I've always prided myself on keeping up with what the hip kids are into; I am nothing if not an au courant hot mama. However, there are some names floating around in the entertainment media these days that I need a little help with. For example, who the fuck are:

1) Tara Reid - you know, drunken redneck with an eyeliner problem and a penchant for showing off her still-puckered implant scars at red-carpet functions? Who is she? Why is this girl in magazines? You can see the meat and IQ equivalent on any given Saturday night in Panama City, FL. Better knife-work, too, for that matter.

2) Lindsay Lohan - where the fuck did she come from? I don't remember actually seeing her in any movies or why is she everywhere? And why is she famous for having a boob job? What else is new?

3) Kanye West - huh? Who? I'm so clueless, I don't even know if Our Kanye is a man or a woman. Hell, for all I know, it could be a whole group, like Pink Floyd. "Which one's Kanye?"

4) Ashlee Simpson - okay...the daughter of a good friend of mine "went" as Ashlee for Halloween this year. She wore a dark wig, a shitload of eyeliner (what is it with these girls and eyeliner these days?), a tank top, and jeans cut so low that her ass-crack was collecting particulates from the open air. I was like, huh? You're who? Nicole Simpson? She was a blonde...and that's just macabre, anyway. Needless to say, I was chided for my ignunce. But really. Her claim to fame is having a sister? I think I'd rather be known for my boob job (see above).

5) Nicky Hilton - why? Can someone explain, in words of two syllables or less? Because I don't get it.

And while we're about it, WTF is "The O.C.", anyway? I thought it was a headache powder. I think I need to borrow somebody's teenage daughter for a few hours. Get the in-fill on all this shit from an expert, so I don't feel so old and clueless.

Posted by Queenie at December 24, 2004 01:08 AM

Heh. You definitely have a way with words!

I do LIKE Lindsay Lohan. She's cute, talented, charming, and looks like a grown up version of my niece, meaning I'm biased. But I appreciate an average looking not-so-skinny girl making it on the big screen.

Ashlee Simpson is a JOKE! Not worthy of discussion.

...haven't heard of the others. Clearly, honey, you are more hip than I! ; )

Now, OC I've used for a while, but somehow I doubt I'm using it in the same context as today's youth. Obsessive/compulsive it is to me, synonymous with "anal."

Glad you're keeping up; I'll know to ask when Miss Priss leapfrogs me in pop culture IQ.

Posted by: Key at December 24, 2004 08:33 PM

I just learned that there is a guy out there making a shitload of money ("singing," I think) who calls himself "Usher."


Hell, maybe I should strap on my gitfiddle and call myself "Janitor."

Posted by: Jim - PRS at December 25, 2004 04:53 AM

Ok, write this down because you'll need to remember this shit.

1) Tara Reid - she is exactly as you described her. Not notable for any movies she was in and basically is only famous for briefly dating Carson Daly (former host of TRL on MTV). Now she just runs around in a drunken stuper "accidently" exposing appendages.

2)Lindsay Lohan - is a spawn of Disney. She's from Long Island, NY and is actually a friend of a friend of mine. She is famous for being in that remake of 'The Parent Trap' and in a barbie movie with Tyra Banks when she was younger. Her father is becoming notable now for beating people up in bars as well as her interesting apparences at bars as she's only 18. Now apparently she's testing her luck at singing.

3) Kanye West - Rapper. Plain & Simple. A good one though. Not all about flashing scantily clad girls and creating porno like good 'ole Snoop Dogg.

4) Ashlee Simpson - most famous for her sister, her small role on 7th Heaven and for lip synching on Saturday Night Live.

5) Nicky Hilton - she makes handbags and gets married and divorced in a day's time. What else is new with the Hilton clan.

6) The O.C. - A show about a rich bunch of kids who live in Orange County, California and their "problems." Basically a soap opera for teens.

Hopefully that will solve your problems for now :)

I'm 19 and work in the music industry as a tour manager for bands, so anymore questions you may have as to the downfall of our so-called celebrities, I can hopefully answer as on-point as possible haha


Posted by: Cate at December 25, 2004 01:32 PM

I agree with having to borrow someone's teenage daughter for a while. Unfortunately, I think that would be illegal...

Posted by: Fungus at December 25, 2004 08:33 PM

When you start talkin' about drunken rednecks, you're gettin' close to walkin' on the fightin' side of me... ;)

But, I don't know who she is either. Sounds like somebody I'd like to look at for a minute of two though.

Posted by: RedNeck at December 27, 2004 08:09 PM

Thanks for the help, Cate...I was starting to feel hopeless because I've never even heard of "Kanye West". Still don't know if it's a girl or boy though.

I also didn't know WTF the "OC" was, except that it was some TV show.

All I know is that I feel lucky to have zero direct experience intentionally watching any of those neanderthals that I do know of. White trash is all I can say for them... Blah. God help my daughter.

Posted by: Beth at December 28, 2004 01:50 AM

tee hee....I sympathize...I have a 9 year old and must keep up as well....

But I bet none of us had blue eyeshadow and black eyeliner...or cameltoe-producing Gloria Vanderbilts or Jordaches...or had the big hair in the 80's...or had the "wings" in the 70's....

Posted by: Madame Butterfly at December 29, 2004 12:34 PM

I thought the OC was a tampon. As for the rest, I remember a time when it vaguely bothered me that I had no idea who the underfed, overly made-up waif on Jay's couch was. Now I'm proud to be clueless as to whether she's a lousy actress, lousy singer, or lousy model.

Don't know, don't care.

Posted by: Alan S. at January 7, 2005 06:17 PM
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