January 01, 2005


The champagne is Moet & Chandon "White Star" - way better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. The chocolate is Ghirardelli, little cordial-filled squares from the Premium collection, delicious. Behind me, on the television, Anderson Cooper drips prematurely gray irony on the New Year, and if I'm lucky I might just be able to scrape together a Smoky Treat. Happy New Year, glasshoppahs.

I've got resolutions for 2005, but one of them is not to get too ambitious, so as you can imagine, they're mostly rather low-key.

1) I'm quitting these fucking cigarettes. Ole Massa can kiss my ass; he has taken enough of my money and my lung capacity over the years. If I do nothing else, I'm going to do this. Fuck you, Ole Massa. Find yourself a new Ontee, a new sugar-tit.

2) I resolve to try not to be too much of a cunt. I can't make any promises, but I will try.

3) I resolve to get a raise. No shit. Old S.W. will be coughing up with the dough in '05, or find herself a new maid-of-all-work. No, really; I am convinced that when I draw her a chart showing her all the revenue stemming directly from my gilded butthole, she will be putty in my hands. Mwahahaha!

4) I resolve to be nicer to Mr. MacFarland in 2005. He takes some egregious shit from me; I should cut him some slack. I will cut him some slack. Or at least give it up more often - I feel certain that either would be fine with him.

5) I resolve to answer e-mail. I am a real e-mail loser, I warn you now. I love getting mail. I live for it. When you ding my inbox, I am thrilled to the skies. However, I suck at reciprocity.

6) I resolve to smoke more reefer, iffen I can find it. Just damn!

7) I resolve to force myself to drink more. Even Jesus drank wine every day. Who am I to argue with the Son of God? Nobody, that's who.

8) I resolve to hit a blogmeet, and hit one hard. Watch out, Jawja crowd. Hurricane Queenie is coming. It mayn't be pretty.

9) I resolve to gain a little weight quitting smoking, but have it off again by 2006. I'd rather be fat and live than svelte and dead of lung cancer. Skeletons are skinny.

10) I resolve not to kill anyone in an uncontrollable spasm of Road Rage, unless they provoke me with Celine Dion records first. Celine Dion makes me nuts, like red to a bull. Add Celine and I can't be held responsible.

I think that's it. Happy 2005, everyone. Health and prosperity upon your house.

Posted by Queenie at January 1, 2005 12:13 AM

Most excellent decisions. Although I must cry foul at the lack of the "Must show Velociman more flesh" theorem.

I merely say.

Posted by: Velociman at January 1, 2005 02:13 AM

Sounds a lot like my resolutions, except the reefer, that I never smoked but plan to start. Heh. I gotta lay off the old cigs myself.

Happy New Year Queenie, finding you has been a breath of fresh air.

Posted by: BeeBee at January 1, 2005 08:10 AM

All of them sound good, but I don't think so, stopping some of them, may make me feel better.

Posted by: Catfish at January 1, 2005 10:48 AM

Happy oh-five. Don't stop, we love you.

Posted by: Circa Bellum at January 1, 2005 05:42 PM

I selected Asti by Martini & Rossi and white chocolate Godivas... and then I gave them to my loverly step-sistah.

Me? I ended up with a shot of Wild Turkey and some boiled peanuts.

Happy New Year my storytellah!

Posted by: Key at January 1, 2005 06:54 PM

If you come to a Jawja blog-meet and complain about the cigarette smoke, we'll perform a ritual evisceration on you. Kim usually brings his sword. I just wanted to warn you.

Reefer? What's that?

Posted by: Acidman at January 1, 2005 07:12 PM

I'd stop drinking before I'd buy FRENCH champagne.

Try Korbel Brut Rose'. Delicious!

Posted by: Jim Long at January 1, 2005 08:13 PM

Oh good gez....Celine Dion has the exact same effect upon me.

There's a very nice gal at work who likes to play her Celine c.d. loudly enough for the rest of us to hear it.

I always tell her to turn it the hell down...or, preferably, off. It, literally, makes my teeth hurt.

Happy New Year to you!

Posted by: jmflynny at January 1, 2005 09:17 PM

I hear you Acidman, you gonna bring it over here in Queenie's digs? Besides, you're all talk. I took on all of ya and I still have more than a fair share of guts. ;)

Posted by: Key at January 2, 2005 01:29 PM


One piece of advice from someone who's been down that road before:

If you're serious about quitting smoking, quit the reefer, too.

I quit smoking cigarettes in 1993. I didn't quit smoking pot.

Within a year I was back to two packs a day.

I quit smoking cigarettes again in 2001. I made a promise to quit smoking EVERYTHING.

Here it is, four years and two days later, and I'm still off the cancer sticks.

Best of luck - quitting smoking is without a doubt the hardest fucking thing I've ever done in my life. I intend to give my kids the scare of their lives before then can start... Including ripping the seatbelt out of a car with my bare hands, because that's what I did the first week I quit smoking...

Posted by: Jay G at January 3, 2005 02:04 PM

I smoked my first pot a couple of years after I began smoking 3-4 packs of Lucky Strikes ($2 a carton!). It was good pot, great pot, from a dealers private stash. My lungs felt like I had just inhaled a flaming porcupine. Determined, I stuck with it for years. When I joined the military, I quit smoking everything after the first two-mile run. If I partook of again, I would cook with pot, not smoke it. Small amounts as a seasoning. Cigarettes? Not unless they come up with a cure. I miss my Balkan Sobranies so.

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