February 25, 2005


I am home from Spartanburg. Sylacauga never looked so good. Ahem.

Unfortunately for my, you know, life, my inlaws decided to follow us home and stay for a few days on their way to Arizona. Don't get me wrong; I love these people - but I'm not playing my "A Game" right now (mentally, physically, emotionally or intellectually) and honestly, at the moment, my in-laws seem like two more mouths on the titty. Two more people to cook for and clean up after and wait upon. I know, I know - pole, grease, hell.

I'm just not in the mood. I'm down, okay? My spirits were not elevated, either, by the e-mail I got this afternoon, from the one friend I've managed to hang on to since high school. An ex-boyfriend of mine pulled a Hunter Thompson on Wednesday night, blowing his brains all over his kitchen walls, leaving his very own viscera arranged ala Jackson Pollack for his wife and toddler to find when they came home. He'd been "depressed", she said. Ya think?

I hate suicide. Hate it, hate it, hate it. It pisses me off, it appalls me, it sickens me to think of the waste of a life when there are people like this out there, holding on despite physical torments, who just won't fucking give up even though they hurt all the time and they know the end is coming, because they want to care for the ones they love. What about my ex-boyfriend's wife and daughter? Wasn't he supposed to love and care for them? Didn't he give a shit about the damage he would do to them? How could he just give up like that? His baby girl needs him - and he, no better than the asshole who deserts his own progeny, effectively walks out of her life forever. Because he's sad. Because he doesn't want to go on. Well, boo fucking hoo. You should have thought about that before you took on the responsibility for a child, dickhead.

Suicide is, frankly, for pussies.

I'm not talking about assisted suicide for terminal patients, here - I got no beef with someone in constant pain or with zero quality of life seeking to end it all. But - for depression? Go see a shrink. Get pills. Fix your life - move, quit that job that's bringing you down, quit drinking, whatever you have to do. Just, for God's sakes, get off your ass and do something about it. Depression is curable. Don't make like fellating a thirty-aught is all manly and shit, like you're doing something heroic. Tell you what - be really manly -defy convention and make an appointment with a fucking psychiatrist already. Suicide isn't an act of bravery, it's the ultimate cop-out. The ultimate proof that you suck.

I'm upset about this. Can you tell?

Anyway. The funeral is tomorrow. I'll be there, to pay my respects to his family. I won't be paying any to him. He lost all my respect when he put his wants ahead of the needs of his wife and child. Asshole.

Posted by Queenie at February 25, 2005 08:39 PM

Thank you.

I had this same sort of "conversation" with some effluvia that followed me from a comment at Hog On Ice. I have some personal experience with this and -- in all honesty -- I believe it takes a hell of a lot more courage to stay than it does to go.

Or in my less-than-delicate way of putting it: It's a chickenshit way out.

Bless you for telling it like it is.

Posted by: Margi at February 25, 2005 11:51 PM

Good lord. The bullet is the easy way out, agree. But there is something more, something finite, that calls that chit home. Try to understand, Queenie. No right mind does that. There is devilment at play.

Posted by: Velociman at February 26, 2005 05:56 AM

I need more than five fingers to count the number of people I've known that offed themselves. I'll never understand, and that doesn't make it any eaiser. Everyone is right, it does take more courage to stay in the game.

Posted by: Sam at February 26, 2005 10:54 AM

Queenie, I'd love to talk to you for a long time about this subject, because I DID try to kill myself and what I did shoulda worked. It didn't, and I'm still here.

I agree that suicide is the easy ticket out for a pussy. But I also agree with Kim--- you can wrestle demons only so long before you're out of gas. ANYTHING is better than this.

I've been there.

Posted by: Acidman at February 26, 2005 11:52 AM

But even in the worst of my depression, I NEVER would have blown my brains out all over the kitchen and left that mess for my kid to see.

See how much I have to say on this subject?

Posted by: Acidman at February 26, 2005 11:58 AM

So Kim and Rob have opined that one is in an altered state, if you will, when you contemplate offing yourself. Well, yes.

But that is when one should seek treatment, no?

I did it. God bless Wellbutrin. And God bless me, too, for realizing I couldn't do it alone!

Posted by: Margi at February 26, 2005 06:53 PM

When I was in high school, we had a house guest who became close to me. Told me I was like a little sister to her.

Then she did that.

Like you, I watched everyone cry as I seethed. Figured I would have shared with my "sister" had I been depressed.

But feeding rational to the irrational never seems to work. (Dammit.)

Posted by: Key at February 27, 2005 11:48 AM

I work with a bus boy that actually thinks the sucide bombers in the middle east "have balls".
I informed him that they are weak ass little pussies. To TRULY have balls, you POSITIVLY change the things around you. It takes balls to live life to the fullest and do good things. Not strap a bomb to your weak ass and blow up people around you.

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