October 23, 2005

In Which I Act Trashy In a Costume

Shit. I am drunk. Unusual. Remarkable, even.

Believe it or not, Queenie is, as a rule, an abstemious being. Generally, I imbibe about one glass of wine in a month, the exception being only Special Occasions. Yes, I used to indulge in hard drugs of various sorts, and yes, I used to be a hardcore pothead, but no more. Those days, alas, are over, and now I am a pillar of the fucking community. I stand before you, sober as the proverbial judge on a daily basis. Except for, um, right this minute. Right this minute? I'm fucking wasted. On alcohol, though, thank you very much, which is legal and even sanctioned by our governmental overlords. (Spit!)


I went to a Bal Masque this evening, a Halloween Party of the sort in which grownups dress up in costume and act like idiots. I had planned to go as Tinkerbell, but when I got to the costume store today, they were all sold out of Tinkerbell suits. So, instead, I went as a HO of the first water, a French Maid. Oh, yes...tiny little black dress (with frilly white lace edging), minuscule apron, fishnet tights, high black heels, feather duster. I was nervous about going so skimpily attired, at first...but immediately upon my arrival, it was made clear that there were much more desperate and slutty-looking chicks than I in attendance. Thus, I was able to relax. Thank the lord for bitches who need to show their tits and ass for some semblance of confidence. Otherwise...

I had a blast. Giant vodka cocktails in plastic cups were the order of the evening, as were jello shooters topped with Gummi worms, pickled in a deadly alcoholic brine. I managed to get so loose that I danced with a Quebecois man dressed as a cow, udders pressing lasciviously into my apron, a beefy hottie made up as William Wallace ala Braveheart (kilt, blue face, giant dong, and all), a babe in a Donald Trump getup, and a particularly fine youngster with a breakaway track-suit covering nothing but a maroon thong. Did I lick him? I can't remember. Calgon - take me away!

Ohmigod. Sitting here now, poleaxed...I...I think I danced on a table. Did I dance on a table? I'm not sure. It's all hazy. Why the fuck am I trying to blog, again? I don't remember.

Shit. I gotta go to bed.

Posted by Queenie at October 23, 2005 12:34 AM | TrackBack

There are people that only wish that they could write a post like that! I, am one of them.

Posted by: australopithecus_africanus at October 23, 2005 01:04 AM

Me too! It sucks, always being the "Designated Driver."

Once I wean this wee bairn, I plan to TIE ONE ON, sistah.

Until then, I'm bookmarking this post. Mwheh.

Posted by: Margi at October 23, 2005 01:35 AM

Oh great! Now I'll be turgid for the rest of the day, thinking of you in a French Maid outfit, thank you so much.

So, throw up yet?

Posted by: Bane at October 23, 2005 12:31 PM

Queenie, I think I love you.

Posted by: wavemaker at October 23, 2005 04:45 PM

You write better drunk than I do sober. Ahh...how I envy you, oh queen of the feather duster and vodka shooters.

Posted by: Dana at October 23, 2005 09:40 PM

Oh yeah, baby, you is da Abstemious One, fo sho.

I will remember how abstemious you were amongst the Blown-Eyed Ones, many of whom had had a snootful of Chatham County's Finest. But not you, oh, not you. Somebody had to keep a level head - lest the sacred Monkey and Bullwhip go missing.

Posted by: Elisson at October 23, 2005 11:28 PM


Posted by: Sam at October 23, 2005 11:29 PM

Elisson, you were drunk, because I wasn't even there! Wishful thinking, I reckon...

Posted by: Queenie at October 23, 2005 11:33 PM

Ha! Who would have guessed the Chatham Artillery Punch had hallucinogenic properties?

Ellison, when you see double, you're supposed to see two of the *same* person.

If I were to find myself seeing extra people I'd be hitting V-man up for the "secret ingredients". :D

Posted by: Desert Cat at October 24, 2005 02:27 AM

hahahahaha, there is always at least one completely naked chick at my friends annual halloween throw down with a little paint on her like it's tribal or something..

i say, like you, it's desperation...and you aren't at all desperate. much like those stupid low down bitches that use their blogs to post shots of their titties and random parts. a cry for help. but you know, i don't have any use for em, so i just surf on.

Posted by: shoe at October 24, 2005 07:56 AM

After enough of that punch, it was pishful stinkin'...

Posted by: Elisson at October 24, 2005 10:00 AM

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