October 23, 2005

Do You Live In Florida?

If so, do you ever find yourself wondering if God hates you people? Now, don't get me wrong - I think Florida is a golden land, blessed with a miraculously beautiful coastline, rich, fertile soil, Velociman, amazing seafood, and - in places - an educated and urbane populace. However, Florida is also full of vicious and toothless rednecks, venomous snakes, transplanted yankees, alligators, child molesters, Kennedys in season, and it keeps getting the shit beat out of it by hurricane after hurricane. Also, I hear Madonna keeps a house in South Beach. Shudder. Poor Florida. So much in you that is wonderful...

When I lived in California, I didn't wonder...I knew that motherfucker was doomed. I mean, come on - earthquakes, mudslides, killer fires, riots, Berkeley? Believe me, I kept my car gassed up and pointed east at all times, ready to escape should the need arise. The daily stress finally began to gnaw at me, and when, eventually, the day came when I was allowed to return to God's Country, my beloved Southland, I ran like Michael Moore was chasing me. Not that he could chase anyone, the flabby fuck. But you get my drift.

It used to be my ambition to retire to Florida, with a nice beach house somewhere near Seaside. Now? Not so much, primarily because I can just see myself - an old, helpless crone sorting through what's left of her life's accumulation, after some hurricane or other rips it all to pieces - live on CNN-Jazeera in September of 2040. Besides, I know lightening's going to strike my wayward, sinner's ass sooner or later. Best not to add to the tribulations of The Sunshine State, if you know what I'm saying.

Posted by Queenie at October 23, 2005 10:54 PM | TrackBack

ah, to be blessed with velociman. that kook has been teasing the gods for too long, let's blame him for the state's downfall.

Posted by: shoe at October 24, 2005 07:57 AM

Actually, I always thought God was pissed at Florida because Satan made it into the shape of a limp dick; like some kind of geographical graffiti akin to the scrawlings you see above the urinal. God's been doing everything in his power to scrub it off ever since.

Posted by: shank at October 24, 2005 10:17 AM

The discriminating person will note how God has smitten the entire state on numerous occasions of late, all except for me. We have a handshake deal.

And it's not limp, Shank. It's on top.

Posted by: Velociman at October 24, 2005 04:02 PM

The reasoning breaks down here...Tallahassee hasn't EVER had a direct hit...the closest this city has come was a near hit on Panama City by Kate in '85...and if God loves the seat of government in Florida and politicians like Jeb Bush and Johnnie Byrd more than he loves Bourbon Street, he's even more f'ed up than I think he is....

Posted by: catzmeow at October 24, 2005 06:52 PM
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