February 14, 2005

Hound of Love

Mister MacFarland and I found our dog's mode of egress from our property. A hinge on the garden gate was broken, so all the Georgia Farthound - that's my dog - had to do to escape was nose real hard on the gate itself - et voilà! - liberté.

Valentine's Spirit: what lovin' Queenie lacks, the Georgia Farthound is now attempting to bestow upon me in unwanted spades. That dog is seriously squirrelly today; I think it not unlikely that there is a bitch in heat somewhere in the near vicinity, and that's why the Farthound got the ol' wanderlust in the first place. At any rate, the animal is hard-core hunchy now. Big Red hanging out, and every time you stick out an appendage for any reason, he's all over it like a cheap suit. This afternoon, I was sitting quietly at my desk, on the computer reading the news, when all of a sudden the Georgia Farthound leapt into my lap in a single bound. He proceeded to lick my forehead with all his might and then, seeing his advance at canine foreplay repelled (I was trying to muzzle him with my hands so I could get him off me) abruptly stood up on my lap, put his paws over on my back, and tried his damnedest to hump my head.

Needless to say, I shot him.

No, just kidding, just kidding, put down the phone, no need to call PETA, for fuck's sake. I didn't shoot him, but I did toss him over my shoulders like a black-belt, and whack him repeatedly with a rolled-up newspaper. No, that damned dog is alive and well, although, at present, incarcerated in his little doggy-house, licking his own parts for all he's worth. But I wanted to shoot him. The nerve!

Harumph. If that animal thinks he can hump my leg, he's got another think coming. He can stay in the damn dog-house until he simmers down a touch. After all, I didn't get any chocolate from him, either.

Posted by Queenie at February 14, 2005 08:37 PM

What? You didn't think that was "cute?"

I told you to get his nuts clipped. That'll teach him.

Posted by: Acidman at February 15, 2005 02:28 PM

Your vet can solve that little problem, snip-snip!!!

Posted by: WarWagon at February 15, 2005 04:22 PM

Sadly, this dog was neutered in 2002, when he was six months old. He's just a horny little fucker; he's always been this way. Yes, he still chases girl-dogs in heat. I reckon he's shooting blanks, but he knows what he wants. Mister MacFarland says that he has a lot of empathy for the Farthound's condition, which is why the animal hasn't been sent to live "on a farm" as of yet.

Damn dog.

Posted by: Queenie at February 15, 2005 04:36 PM

"...abruptly stood up on my lap, put his paws over on my back, and tried his damnedest to hump my head."

Girl, you need to either post a 'spew warning' when you're about to post somethin like that. Or I need to see if they make those sneeze guards for computers...ya know? The ones like they use at buffets?

I really hate it when coffee comes out my nose.

Posted by: Pammy at February 15, 2005 07:09 PM

3 Words Queenie. "Full Body Condom". You can wear it, or you can put it on the dog, either way, same results...

Posted by: RedNeck at February 15, 2005 07:09 PM

Big Red. Thanks. It was only ten dollar a pound steak. Didn't mind hurling it.

Posted by: Velociman at February 15, 2005 10:05 PM

I'm with Pammy on the spewing warning. Heh..and as far as the nip and tuck...doesn't stop 'em from acting like a horny teenager.

Posted by: Moogie at February 16, 2005 03:14 PM

.. damn, babe... us unemployed folks are enduring, aren't we?.. I mean, I don't have a dog, but I can sure relate....

Posted by: Eric at February 17, 2005 08:41 AM

Daddy is driving to Alabama tomorrow. Queenie has forgotten her discipline lessons. Number One of which is: blog early, and often.

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